


A Pir8's Life For Me

by Dbo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Pirates, Post-Sburb, Silly, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-26
Updated: 2011-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dbo/pseuds/Dbo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has had many bad ideas over the years. Little does he know the worst one yet was letting Vriska watch the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Movie Night

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what happens when you read homestuck while listening to "Jack Sparrow" by the Lonely island. First chapter is a bit slow and fluffy, but I promise it will pick up with fun later.

"Hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up!!!!!!!!!", Vriska chanted with a distinct lack of patience, sitting on a human couch. "We 8n't got all day for you to pick out a movie Joooooooohn"

A yell came from the upper level of the house, "okay, okay! I'm on my way down Ms. Bossyfangs!"

Vriska smiled as she saw him rush down the stairs. It was Tuesday night, which meant movie night, and in the Egbert/Serket household, one does not hold up movie night. He entered the room holding a stack of three DVD to Vriska playfully cooing "Seeeeeeee? I knew a gentlemen like you wouldn't make a lady wait!".

John smiled back at her. After all this time, he still couldn't believe that he had her. He always felt they were close, and Karkat had always insisted she was flirting hard with him, but when the kids and trolls beat the game together and made the new joint troll-human world (Earterina, they called it), he was still surprised when she asked him to be her matesprit and to live together. He agreed to it, partially because everyone felt it would help her mellow out, but mostly because he realized he really cared for a lot her in a derpy love poems kind of way and he wanted to do his best to make her happy. That was a while ago now, and they still got along swimmingly, especially when it came time for movie night.

"So whaaaaaaaat are we watching tonight? Anything with Nic Cage?", she said the last part practically swooning.

John shook his head as he popped the movie in "Nope, but I just happen to have a feeling you are going to love this one."

John sat down next to Vriska and she laid across the couch, plopping her legs on his lap. "Okaaaaaaaay, 8ut this 8etter 8e good! What's it called?"

"Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Trust me, this is gonna be right up your alley!", John said, clicking play on the remote.

It was very clear to John over the course of the movie that Vriska loved it. In fact, during most of the action scenes, she couldn't stay still, bouncing around the couch like a caffeinated child at Disneyland. At one point, Vriska was standing on the couch, one leg propped up on the arm rest and cheering on Captain Jack with glee, which John found extremely amusing until she threw a pillow at him because his laughing was distracting.

When the credits rolled, Vriska plopped back down on the couch crying out "Oh my god John that was gr8! It was almost like watching Mindfang's Journal! What the hell took so you long to tell me a8out that movie!? It was the 8est eeeeeeeeever!!!!!!!!!"

John smirked at her, "Well if you liked it that much I have some great news."

Vriska raised an inquisitive eyebrow, "What is that?"

John pulled out two DVD cases and said "It has sequels!"

The yell of "YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!" could be heard for miles from the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note I have been doing some editing while the story has been up, mostly spelling/grammar errors I did not catch on the first run, and adding/removing things I did not care for.


	2. Huge Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes to visit jade and talk about Vriska's behavior since movie night.

The next few days after that, things seemed a bit off.

John was noticing Vriska was spending a lot of time away from the house at strange times of the day. She also seemed to be spending a lot of time with the Alchemiter, in particular making tons of hammers, nails, metal, and wood. Whenever John's curiosity got the best of him, all he could get out of her was a teasing "oh you'll seeeeeeee", usually followed by a grin that didn't quite make him comfortable.

About two days after this, she stopped using the Alchemiter, but she was still gone for long periods of time. John had stopped asking what was up but still couldn't help but wonder what was up. He needed someone to talk to about it, so he decided it was time to pay his paradox sister a visit. He hadn't visited her in a while, and with Vriska out of the house doing who knows what, now would be an excellent time to catch up.

John stepped outside of the house after leaving a note to Vriska telling her where he went. John looks at the different transportalizer pads that littered the outside of the house. Because the planet was so big and everyone felt like living a bit spaced out from one another, everyone had decided to use pads for quick and easy travel from place to place. Of course the downside was when you have about 12 pads for all the kid's and troll's various locations that look exactly the same, it is easy to get confused. After the time John meant to visit Dave but accidentally teleported to the location where they kept Gamzee locked up (for everyone's mutual safety), it was decided it that it was easier to keep track of what went to where by labeling them.

John looked for the one labeled "Jade", hopped on, and in a flash, he was sent in front of her house. It was almost an identical replica of the one she used to have on earth, before Sburb, and it was also on an island. She said she was used to living on one, and it made sense to her to set up shop there.

With a knock John gave a loud "Heeeeeeeeeeelllllo!", but to no anwser. John figured that she was most likely somewhere on the island playing around, so he started to wander around looking for her, which ended up being an amazingly stupid and time consuming thing to do. It wasn't until about two hours later of walking around until he found her walking along the beach with someone. But it wasn't just someone, it was his favorite cranky troll friend Karkat.

"Hey guys!" John bellowed as he ran towards the shoreline where they had been at.

"Hi John!", Jade chirps, dropping something to come over and give a friendly hug.

"JESUS EGBERT, DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING GIVE PEOPLE WARNINGS BEFORE YOU VISIT?", Karkat hollered at John after removing something from his neck, and walking closer, trying to hide the mystery item behind his back.

"Hehe sorry, I didn't expect to see you here too! What have you guys up to?", John inquired, trying to move around to see what is behind Karkat's back to no avail, Karkat shifting around to obstruct the view.

"Oh we were just going for a walk", Jade said.

"Ooooooooh is that so?", John said said slyly, "then what's Karkat hiding?"

"NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS EGBERT", Karkat spouted defensively.

"Knock it off fuckass! John doesn't care that we-"

"SHSHSHSHSH DON'T SAY IT HARLEY!" Karkat protested, giving an instinctive wave of his hands in front of her, accidentally exposing what was in his hands as a collar and leash. Almost instantly, Karkat realizes his blunder and drops his hands down. Karkat looked away from John's face, blushing and Jade giggled a little bit, with a slight blush of embarrassment herself.

"Wait..Collar and leash? Does that mean..", John looked at the two of them with a pause that meant he was mentally trying to connect the dots of the situation. Karkat. Jade. Leash. _What could these things mean?_

Then, like a light, it came to John as he proudly stated "..that you got a new dog?!"

Karkat almost immediately palmed his face while Jade responded with "Yes! That's exactly it! We were looking around for him, isn't that right Karkat?", elbowing Karkat. "YEAH SURE. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WAS UP. WOOFBEAST LOOKING AND NOTHING ELSE."

"Oh I get it! So Karkat was wearing the leash so it wouldn't be cold for the lil' fella!", John said confident in his deduction.

"YES. THAT IS EXACTLY THE REASON IT WAS ON MY NECK. YOU'VE SOLVED THE GREAT MYSTERY OH GREAT DETECTIVE", Karkat said, dripping with sarcasm that went totally ignored by John.

"Aw man! You will totally have to show him to me!", John said excitedly.

"Umm, sure, later! But first how are you?", Jade asked evasively.

"Oh man, I almost forgot with all this dog talk why I came here in the first place. I kinda need to talk about Vriska, she's totally been acting weird lately."

"THEN YOUR IN LUCK A ROMANTIC GODDAMN EXPERT SUCH AS MYSELF IS HERE.", Karkat boasted, "SO LET'S HEAR IT."

The three took a seat in the sand along the coastline and John explained to them about Vriska's strange behaviors and how she kept dodging questions on what she was up to. Jade listened with a very sympathetic face and Karkat listened silently until he asked "HMM...HOW VERY FUCKING INTERESTING. LET ME ASK THIS EGBERT, WHAT WAS THE LAST 'NORMAL' DAY YOU GUYS HAD TOGETHER?"

John paused for a moment, "Well, it would be Tuesday movie night I guess."

"Oh cool! What movie did you guys see?", Jade asked curiously.

"We watched the Pirates of The Caribbean movies! Man, she was so totally into them! It was super fun!", John said with a smile.

Karkat suddenly had a bewildered look on his face, and tapping a little electronic button around the neck of his shirt that all the trolls used to translate what they heard and what the spoke to the humans. "I THINK MY FUCKING TRANSLATOR JUST GLITCHED BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN BE THAT GODDAMN STUPID. DID YOU JUST SAY YOU SHOWED HER A GODDAMN PIRATE MOVIE?"

"Umm...yeah I did. why?" John was clearly puzzled as to why Karkat was getting increasingly upset and started shouting "FUCKING GRUBSHITTING JEGUS THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN BE THAT DENSE!"

John still looked clueless as he asked "Why is that even a problem?"

"GEE I WONDER WHATEVER COULD BE THE FUCKING PROBLEM WITH SHOWING A MOVIE ABOUT PIRATES TO SOMEONE WHO NOT ONLY TENDS TO GO OVERBOARD WITH SHIT, BUT ALSO FLARPED AS HER GODDAMN SEA TERROR OF AN ANCESTOR, THUS RESULTING IN THE SPIDER FOOD MURDER OF HUNDREDS OF TROLLS. I WONDER WHATEVER COULD BE THE FUCKING PROBLEM THERE?", Karkat ranted, barely controlling his anger towards John, who now fully realized what exactly he has done.

"Oh. Well...when you put it that way I guess I've made a huge mistake!", John was now rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

It didn't take long after the end of that sentence for Karkat to grab onto John's, shirt shaking him while yelling at the top of his lungs "OF FUCKING COURSE YOU'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, the Translator bit was a piece of head canon, I'll admit, but the sci-fi nerd in me just doesn't believe they would naturally know each other languages, so that was the solution. Also, I don't know what the fuck possessed me to do a random leash gag in this but I feel it was worth it.


	3. The voyage begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska catches up with John and a great journey begins

Jade began to tug the scathingly pissed off Karkat off of John when suddenly a loud whistle blew past their heads, followed by a massive explosion behind them, sending everyone jumping into the air. After they recovered and swore their collective heads off, The trio looked outwards to the ocean, and see a ship getting near the coastline. "uh oh", John muttered, "I think I know who this is.."

They stood there as the ship pulled up closer, and John's suspicions were confirmed. It was a rather large pirate ship that sailed a black mast with the symbol for Scorpio. Written on the side was was "MINDFANG". As the ship floated near coast, Vriska's voice boomed out with a mighty "AVAST YE LAND LU88ERS!!!!!!!!"

Vriska stood proudly on the deck of the Mindfang wearing her God tier hoodie, with the hood down and a blue headband and a glorious pirate hat on top.

John wave towards Vriska yelling, "Hey there Vriska!"

She leaned on the edge of the Mindfang's railing and grinned at him "Hiiiiiiii Joooooooohn! Sorry a8out the warning shot! My aim is Terri8le sometimes!"

John smiled and said "So this is what you have been working on huh? It's impressive!"

"I'm glad you think so John!", Vriska said, practically glowing. "I put a lot of work into m8king it!

Jade looked at the ship in amazement and Karkat bellowed "YOU ALMOST FUCKING KILLED US ALL YOU SHITHIVE BROAD!"

"Jeeeeeeeeze Karkat, I already said sorry! 8esides, I came here in peace!", she said with a nearly fiendish smirk.

"OH NOW THIS I HAVE TO HEAR.", Karkat said doubtfully.

"As it just so happens that if I am going to 8e an gr8 pir8, I need a crew! And as luck would have it, here are three a8led 8odied souls right here!", She said, turning her gaze eightfold on John, "So how a8out it John? Will you 8e my first m8?"

John replied ecstatically "Sounds like fun! But I have two conditions!"

"Sure, name them!", Vriska curiously responded.

"First, is nobody get hurt by anything we do", John stated "This is not flexible"

"Oh bluuuuuuuh. Fiiiiiiiine John, I promise no8ody will get hurt, even though that's no fun!", Vriska whined. "So what's the second condition?"

"I want a totally sweet hat like yours!", John Grinned.

Vriska laughed out a "Sure thing", and then turned her attention to Jade, "How a8out you Jaaaaaaaaade? Do you want to 8e on this gr8 ship?"

"Well your ship is so cool! But I don't know about all this..", Jade said hesitantly.

"Come oooooooon Jade, I'll let you 8e in charge of shooting the Canons!", Vriska teased.

"Oh wow really?! Then I'm on board!" Jade stated cheerfully which was followed by a celebratory high five from John.

Karkat pressing his fingers between is eyes out of anger and said "GODDAMN IT YOU TWO DON'T ENCOURAGE HER! WHO KNOW WHAT THE HELL SHE HAS PLANNED FOR ALL THIS CRAP. NOBODY IS GOING ON THAT FUCKING SHIP, END OF STORY."

Jade protested "Oh come on Karkat! You heard her, she promised John that nobody would get hurt! It's just going to be fun!"

"FINE, THEN YOU GUYS CAN GO HAVE YOUR RETARDED FUN ON THE SS HUGE BITCH, I AM HAVING NO PART IN THIS", Karkat said with finality.

"Oh Karkat. Who said you had a chooooooooice?", Vriska said with a grin and a point at Jade. "Ms. Harley!"

Suddenly to Karkat's surprise, Jade slapped the collar on him and tied his hands behind his back with the leash and pinned him to the ground. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING JADE?!" Karkat yelled.

Jade replied " Oh don't be such a stick in the mud! You are having fun even if I have to drag you to it!"

John picked up Karkat over his shoulders and they all went towards the ship, all the while Karkat yelling and pleading "GODDAMNIT STOP IT. PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN! HELP! FUCK I'M BEING ABDUCTED BY LUNATIC ASSHOLES!"

When everyone got on board, John plopped Karkat on the deck of the ship and asked "So what's the first command, Captain?"

Vriska grinned "Jade, put the crying wiggler in the 8rig. First M8 Eg8ert, do the windy thing and lets sail to..", she paused for dramatic effect and pointed towards the ocean, "Adventuuuuuuuure!!!!!!!!"

Thus, with a point, cheers, and cry of anguish from Karkat, the great journey of the Mindfang begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, originally I had planned this fic to be longer and have more chapters, but after re-reading this I felt there were just wasn't as much material as I originally thought there would be, so I figured this would be a good place to end it. If I come up with more later, I'll may add on, but for now this is completed and I'm going to start on some other works.
> 
> Thanks for everyone who read and gave feedback!


End file.
